Sunday, March 16, 2008

Kentuckiana Cluster All-Breed Dog Show 2008: Bitches, man! Bitches.*

There is a place where dapper gentlemen dressed in suits and ties stand around and talk openly about their bitches. And it isn’t the lobby of the Mayflower Hotel. The 2008 Kentuckiana Cluster All-Breed Dog Show featured thousands of dogs from May 15-18 at the Kentucky Fair and Expo Center.

Of course, I went expecting to be transported to the Mayflower (yes) Dog Show from the 2000 Christopher Guest movie, Best in Show. And while the Kentuckiana Show lacks the pomp and spectacle of the show in the movie, for the most part the movie was dead on. There were the strung-out Parker Posey types and the flamboyant Michael McKeans. The second judging group I caught was the terrier group, so I couldn’t get “God Loves a Terrier” out of my head. But, truth be told, the show just wasn’t as fun or funny without Fred Willard’s commentating.

Some observations:

There’s a lot of dog-butt touching going on at dog shows. Apparently the appearance of a dog’s tail is of great significance in judging a dog, so the handlers spend a lot of brushing, stroking, and tweaking dog butt. It can be obscene and strangely intimate. At times I had to avert my eyes.

For a small dog, the tail does double-duty and serves as a handle. In order to place the dog on the judging table, handlers lift the dog by the neck and tail. I assume that this is to prevent squishing the dog’s fur. I know that it is okay lift a cat by the scruff of its neck, but it still makes me uncomfortable to watch. Likewise this means of lifting the dog.

Yes, those over-groomed poodles with the Cher hair and the hip pom-poms fair well at dog shows. I watched a white standard poodle won the Non-Working group (as she—Lord, I hope it was a “she” dog—walked by the “Non-Working" sign in the ring, my inner bitch said, “Non-Working? No shit.”). I cannot begin to describe the archness of this dog’s ugliness. Not only was she shaved to her grey-ish skin over most of her body, but her face appeared botoxed. And yet, the crowd loved her.

Dog shows smell like dogs. I don't know why this should have surprised me. I guess I assumed that with all the grooming and blow-drying and whatnot, they'd somehow wash the dog stink away. But I guess when you have hundreds of dogs under the same roof pooing and peeing, you're pretty much stuck with the dog stink. I just hope that the next expo booked in the hall isn't a flower show.

The 2007 Kentuckiana Cluster All-Breed Dog Show was named the 2007 Show of the Year by the AKC, so I guess what we have going on here is good stuff. In this dog show newbie's opinion, though, the show seemed slow and a bit anti-climatic. One way to perk things up a little (besides hiring Fred Willard) would be to mic the judging; that way in addition to the shameless poking and proding, viewers could be treated to choice comments like, "This bitch has a nice butt."

*Big love to anyone who recognizes the title as a quote from the endlessly quotable movie Say Anything.

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